Wednesday, April 6, 2011

People who wear pants

Now, I'm not a nudist, but I believe I know where they're coming from.


Monday, April 4, 2011

One man and a blender

When man thinks about the world he can come to one of two conclusions. Either he can see the world as a grapefruit, with each particle as a small piece of pulp, bound together to create on juicy ball of puss, or he can see the world as a great web, with each experience as a junction in the web, so that experiences can pull us apart, but can not ultimately lead us anywhere differently. However, there is one hybrid theory. This is blender theory. Blender theory is what you get when you make a grapefruit out of spiderwebs, and then throw that grapefruit through another bigger spiderweb. This is what my life is. A spiderweb grapefruit being thrown through a giant spiderweb.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Farmers? I love them!

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?"

The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!"

The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each."

Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around."

The farmer says "You got it."

The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each."

The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit."

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

Friday, March 25, 2011

Burning Gas

I drive a subaru. I feel really good about this because i tend to not burn a lot of gas. However, i think that there are too many people out there who do not drive energy efficient cars. Get your heads out of your asses people!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Elbow Macaroni

The other day I was looking around the apartment for some food when I happened to stumble across a box of elbow macaroni.

Obviously I decided that since I was hungry, I would cook the macaroni from the elbow. Today i decided that it would be with bacon and hollandaise sauce. Just to make sure that i was making a real mess, i added a spoonful of Tabasco sauce and some fresh ground pepper. I began eating it when I realized that i loved it.

Tl;dr macaroni is great with hollandaise sauce, bacon, Tabasco and pepper.

Monday, March 21, 2011


SO i discovered that dancing is actually kinda cool. Anyone who hasn't tried it should. Pretty much a free two hour lap dance.

For those in need of lap dances:

1) Put on clean clothes
2) Go to club
3) Follow butts with your wiener
4) Go home and wash your underwear

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Hey, so just the other day...

I was reading a book. On a nook. With a hook. A hook i took from the rook. The rook was bad so i was mad. And he was a fagggggggggggot...

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

One thing that I forgot:

I just remembered why all of these females love me. Its because I like to party. Who would have thought that partying could be so awesome that it makes women fall in love with you. I mean they are in LOVE. You know how I know? Because they want to do anything for me. ANYTHING

My Amazing life

Bitches love me today. No idea why. Maybe its because i'm the most interesting man in the world. Who knows?